“Self-Care Isn’t Selfish” and Other Adages We Tell Ourselves

1992, me as a new mom with my son, about 6 months old. Pretty sure I had no idea what I was doing. The old adage “fake it ‘til you make it” would have applied here.

Like a badge of honor, we wear our sacrifices. We tell ourselves we are selfish if we tend to our own needs, or worse yet, put our needs before others.  We brag about lack of sleep, the miles we put on our vehicles running to kids’ activities, errands, time spent at work. Women sometimes resent other women for focusing on their own interests, careers and hobbies. We worry about what it will look like to others if we don’t attend every performance or sporting event, make a large enough donation or bring just the right gift. Other moms might notice our absence, or lack of participation, and, God-forbid, gossip about us. Damned if we do or don’t.

Recently one day I was chatting with someone, telling her that I’ve been trying dry brushing lately and how it’s supposed to be great for lymphatic drainage.  She responded with “we’re so high-maintenance aren’t we?” I chuckled with her. But I thought about her response for a while. No, in fact, we are not high maintenance. Quite the opposite. We don’t indulge ourselves enough. Is it too indulgent to take an extra five minutes to give ourselves a quick massage with a soft-bristled brush before a shower?  In fact, as a Beautycounter consultant, I can’t tell you how many women have attended my pop-up events and actually bragged about not washing their faces unless they are in the shower, or don’t have time for a skincare regimen. I’m not criticizing by any means, if a woman doesn’t get pleasure out of certain acts of self-care, that’s her thing. But are we denying ourselves and playing it off as “I’m above all this?” Is it only vanity? Truthfully, I might just be a little envious of the gals that can leave the house with their hair in a bun and no makeup, to be sure. But it also makes me wonder, is it so terrible to fit a little self-care into your day? And not beat yourself up for it? Do you not deserve it? How many times have we heard we should lift up other women? Why aren’t we lifting up ourselves?

With Mother’s Day approaching, I suggest we make a pact, as moms and women. (To those of you who are reading this and are neither moms or women, please support the moms or women in your life). To give ourselves permission to be kind to ourselves. To believe the adage that “self care is not selfish.” Choose one indulgent thing for yourself and add it into your daily routine as a gift to yourself. Something that enriches you. Personal time. Twenty minutes a day to read that book you’ve been wanting to start. 10 minutes to journal in the morning, before the house comes alive with chaos, or before you have to race out the door. A little yoga or meditative breathing before bed, or prayer. Start a weekend walking regimen. Try a new online class. Do something after work that isn’t work-related. Learn something new that benefits you. The options are endless. Find it and make it your thing.  Then “habit stack” that thing with another thing.  Develop a self-care routine. A little or a lot. The irony is, you’ll find that you still have time for all that other stuff. And you’ll approach it with more patience, grace and kindness. Which isn’t selfish at all, is it? To paraphrase another old adage, “you’ll wear it well.”